How do I like my eggs?

Well done.

No pansy "over-easy" eggs for me.

I like to start them cooking and actually leave the house. That way, I won't be tempted to take them off the unit before they're done. I know they're finally done when I return home to find the water gone, egg pieces exploded all over the kitchen, and my house filled with smoke.

The best thing about this method is having the peace of mind that
every ounce of salmonella has been obliterated.

Makin' Some Bread

I finally made bread, but it turned out pretty bad. My philosophy is that you're supposed to mess up the first time you try something.



The bread was really dense and hard, but I'm so grateful to my family for eating every last bite of it.
Later I was talking to the church lady who had given me the recipe. As I was describing how things went she said, "You need to let it rise again after you put it in the pan."

Oh.

Well there's always next time.

Unidentifiable Food Objects

I invited my mom and sister over for dinner one night. When the food was ready, I proudly placed the casserole in the middle of the table.

My mom: "Oh, what's this?"

Me: "Really? It's poppyseed chicken. It makes me nervous that you don't recognize it. I must have done it wrong."

Mom: "Don't worry. I'm sure it's fine. My recipe is just really different."

Me: "This is your recipe."

Mom: "Oh."

Christmas Puddles

The other day Megan and I were invited to a mother/daughter cookie exchange. Since I have no homemaking abilities I begged Alicia, the resident guru of goodies, to help Megan make no-bake cookies.
The girls had just finished scooping the last pile of oatmeal goodness onto the tray when it was time to go. As we rushed out the door, I noticed that the cookies were so hot, they were melting into flat little brown puddles. In desperation, I opened the car window and held the pan out in the cold air while we drove in order to dam up the puddling. It didn't work.
I tried to hide our sorry contribution as we walked into the multi-million dollar house where the exchange was being held. We were shown into the breakfast nook, surrounded by more windows than we have in our whole house. The table was filled with cutesy plates piled with stacks of fudge, sprinkled cookies, and fancy desserts. We pushed them to the side so there would be room for our wax-papered cookie sheets spotted with watery piles of oatmeal. Then we hurriedly left the evidence behind and joined the group as if nothing were amiss.
The time for exchanging was announced and, with a pounding heart and red face, I asked for a spatula to scoop our soggy piles. The girls circled the table helping themselves to the the stacks of tasty treats then they waited while I slopped three brown puddles onto the tissue paper at the bottoms of their cookie boxes.

Because of Katie...

Because of my sister Katie, I am now about to share seven random facts about myself:

#1
I once ate a large portion of a blue sock.
(Remember that, Victoria?)

#2
I have no artistic ability, but I was chosen as Art Sterling Scholar in high school.
(I was the only one entering who had passing grades.)

#3
I once locked myself in a bathroom in Africa, and had to be axed out.
(Talk about socially awkward.)

#4
Katie reminded me about this one: I have always loved the sound of hair being cut and one summer when I was bored, well, I started cutting at my eyebrows with fingernail scissors and after a few minutes they were all gone. I just had two arching white spaces above my eyes where my eyebrows had once been.

#5
I have never baked bread, but it's been on my "to do" list for at least two years.

#6
Things that scare me: cooking, crafts, social gatherings, exercise, doctors, holiday decorations.

#7
I once scheduled two dates for the same night, at the same time, in the same place.
After much stressing, I canceled one and ended up marrying the other.

Getting Ideas from Yellowstone

After watching tourists stream past this bacteria mat in Yellowstone National Park, I realized I have the resources to make a little money of my own. I can host bacteria tours at my house. Highlights of the tour would include: the kitchen sink, the laundry room floor, the toilet bowl, the bathroom floor, and the shower.
If you are interested in some really gorgeous mats of bacteria, and you don't have the time to drive all the way to Yellowstone, you know where to go.

Prices:
Kitchen only---------------------$5
Kitchen plus bathroom-----------$8
Entire house tour----------------$10
Family & Friends discount-------Free (if you bring gloves and cleaner)