Random Facts About Me

1. I once sailed the English Channel...and then broke the sailboat.
2. I once had to be axed out of a locked bathroom.
3. I have been hunted by the MTC police
4. I'm afraid of holiday decorations
5. I used a hole full of cockroaches for a toilet for an entire month.
6. I had 40 different housemates in college.
7. I was stricken from the high school graduation list because I lacked P.E. credits.
8. I have two separate families of in-laws...and I like them both!
9. I've never had fake nails, nor gotten anything waxed.
10. When I asked my hairdresser to cut my hair in layers, she wouldn't do it because she said I never fix my hair.
11. I had to get thirty stitches in my elbow after trying to save a glass from hitting the floor.
12. My first job in college was cleaning 30 floor drains and sanitizing two gigantic garbage disposals.
13. I got another job by using different disguises to consistently hound the employees until they told me about an opening.
14. I spent three years working in the exercise facilities of our university and never once used them myself.
15. I once lost my wraparound skirt in the wind near a men's college dormitory.
16. I nearly lost my college scholarship because I lacked skills as a ballerina.
17. I once stayed in a posh flat near Buckingham Palace. For free.
18. I sailed the canals in Venice on a houseboat with a "boatload" of Italians.
19. I have sewn through my finger with a sewing machine.   
20. I have attitude issues with policemen
21. I have never taken any antibiotics.
22. I was an Avon lady in the eighth grade.
23. I once had a miraculous recovery from severe foot warts.
24. I once claimed to be the daughter of a polygamist.
25. I went on a date once with my hair pinned up in curls and told my date that I had cut my long hair.

Spirit Animal

The other day Alicia started a family discussion about spirit animals. She sees herself as a deer. That's perfect for her. Beautiful and gentle. 

Andrew said he's maybe a fox and that was perfect too--he has the coloring and the cunning for it.

We decided Eliza would be a kitty because she's adorable, self-interested and snuggly.

 I thought Megan could maybe be a koala because she gives the best, tightest hugs.

Rachel I see as maybe an owl. She loves to observe others and is wise and quietly ambitious.

The kids were being very silly about Rex. They said maybe he's a baboon but we looked it up and they're too fierce for him. Andrew said maybe a proboscis monkey. Poor guy. I decided to suggest something less hideous: a panda bear. (It works because he's very lovable--as long as you don't poke the bear. Oh, and he has a super white belly).

Look at that. He's hugging Megan.

The last idea for Rex was a rooster. Not bad, really. He loves to get up early and can act as an alarm clock to the rest of us as he runs on the treadmill over our heads at 4 in the morning. And he does a little jig called "The Rex Shuffle" that's reminiscent of an awkward, strutting rooster.

Then me. Alicia started off saying I could be a mountain lion. Well, OK. I have the right coloring and they like to be solitary, and can sometimes be fierce. There was also talk of my being a sloth. Because I DO like to conserve energy. 

Eliza listened to the other ideas for me but said nothing. The next day she said, "Mom, I know what your spirit animal is." 

I said, "Oh really? What is it?" 

She said, "The kind of animal that doesn't want their children to get sunburned!" 

Yeah, I think she nailed it.

Candy Restaurant

When Eliza wanted to play restaurant, I let her use the box of candy I'd bought from Andrew when he decided he'd rather have money than cavities.

She handed us each a wad of play money and, while we were waiting for our food, Andrew kept taking from our stacks to build a pyramid.

Rex said, "You know, this really feels like a Pyramid Scheme to me."

When Andrew's scheming was discovered he decided to try his hand helping in the kitchen.

He came back with this creation... (Who ordered the poo poo platter?)

Then the candy kabobs...

Candy soup...

And candy sushi rolls...

"Bon Appetit!"

Or, as the Americans would say: "Enjoy your next trip to the dentist!"

All the Single Ladies! All the Single Ladies!!

So I'm at a church conference. After class some people have stayed behind to ask the teacher questions and I decide to listen in. I gather up my stuff, head to the front of the room, and see only one chair that hasn't been saved with stacked books and papers and coats. I sit down on the edge of it, worried that someone will think I'm trying to take over more seats than one, but I plan to immediately reassure those saving the seats around me that I will only be using one single seat.

At this point a man approaches me and asks if I'm single. Ready to defend my seat, I confidently say, "Yes. I am."  His eyes light up and he starts asking me out. And I realize that when someone says, "Are you single?" (and you happen to not be wearing your wedding ring at the moment) they are really asking if you are unmarried.  Which makes so much more sense than some guy saying "Excuse me, but I am just super interested as to whether or not you will be occupying just this one seat for the next lecture. That kind of information just fascinates me."

I sit there stunned as he tries to get some sort of response out of me. I'm thinking that I got myself into this embarrassing situation and there is no need to drag him through the embarrassment by saying, "Oh, you meant unmarried single. Whoops, I thought you meant the using one seat kind of single. Super easy to get confused, am I right?"

He tells me there's a dance and a barbecue. And would I be available to go? Was I staying in town? Do I think I could make it? I just look dazed and confused and try to give very noncommittal, unintelligible answers. Finally he gives up and walks away.

As soon as his back is turned, I run out of the room and call Rex. We both laugh at my ability to get in sticky situations.

Later that evening I miss Rex's call because I'm sitting in class (using only one seat, I might add. Single as can be).  I quickly turn off my ringer and text that I can't talk and explain why. He texts back, Are you REALLY in class, or are you at a dance?Or maybe a barbecue?  Ha ha

Very funny.  (You know, Rex, if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it--or I mean at least reminded me to wear it, because obviously I can't be trusted to verbally convey my marital status.)

Someone get me my ring already!

The Emergency Situation That Almost Happened But Then Didn't

I put two and two together--my recent oversleeping, Eliza's tummy aches, and Rex's fatigue--and suddenly realized that we were being slowly poisoned to death by carbon monoxide. I did the sensible thing to do when you're sure deadly gasses are swirling about you by sitting in those gasses in order to research horror stories on the internet. By the time I was done, I was sure my lungs were burning and I was having a difficult time breathing. I ran upstairs to wake Rex up in the middle of the night and alert him to the emergency.

His response?  "Jenny, go to bed.  I'm sure it's fine."

Me: "That's what everyone says before right before they die from CO."

Rex:  "Do you know how rare CO poisoning is?  There are like 400 deaths a year in the US out of over 300 million people."

(Yes, this man does memorize statistics. But I just looked up a statistic of my own. Men are 2 1/2 times more likely to die from CO poisoning--probably because they say things like this to their wives and then go back to sleep.)

Me:  "Well this year that statistic could include us."

Rex:  frustrated mumbling

Me: "Should we turn down the furnace?  Should we turn off the water heater? I'm going to check the water heater right now."

This finally got Rex out of bed.

Rex: "Do NOT turn of the water heater!  It's a beast to turn back on.  We are FINE.  Go to bed."

Me: "So, we just go to bed and hope to wake up in the morning?  Is that the plan?"

Rex: "Yep.  See you in the morning."

Due to the poisonous gasses I really should have slept in another part of the house heated by it's own furnace but my bed really was so comfortable so hoping against hope that I would wake up the next day I snuggled into bed after all.

Me: "Ok.  Goodnight.  Hopefully we're still alive tomorrow.  Sweet dreams."

And lo and behold we were.  One of the first things I did was call the local fire station to see if they check for CO levels in homes where there are concerns.  The firefighter said, "You think there's CO in your house right now?"  Then feeling stupid and wanting to explain why I was still inside the house making phone calls I was like, "Um yeah, but like low levels, you know? So...like low enough levels to still be inside, but high enough to want to check.  Like kind of a medium level I guess."

He said they'd be right over.

Fifteen minutes later their huge firetruck pulled up in front of my house in our small town.  For some reason I imagined them bringing a small white utility truck or something?  But no. Two men came to the house with their machine and walked with me from room to room and guess what they found? 

Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

And while they were finding nothing an ambulance pulled up and five more guys got out to help. Must have been a slow day at the station.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang and it was the sheriff.  At this point there were three emergency vehicles in front of my house and eight men inside of it. 

All for nothing.  

Except a little peace of mind on my part and a near future of uninterrupted sleep for my poor husband.

The end. 

Me and My Green Thumb

This year was gonna be the year that I finally planted a beautiful flower garden in front of my house.  Only everything went wrong.

I spent over an hour in the hot sun at the nursery, trying to decide what to buy.  I finally picked out the flowers I wanted and they coordinated with each other and with our house and most of them were perennials.  So far so good.

I brought them home and Eliza took charge.  She pointed to each one of us and assigned us a job: "You carry the flowers to the garden.  You dig the holes.  You put the flowers in the holes.  And you water the flowers.  Okay, ready?  Let's get started!"  When no one moved she said, "Is anyone even listening to me?!"

Without following her exact orders we did finally get moving.  We were working by lamplight because we had been busy all day while the sun was out and this was our chance.

We finally agreed on where to plant things and we spent the next hour getting them there--with only a few squabbles and meltdowns among the kids.  After everything was planted,  I looked at one of the tags to see what it was called again and I noticed that it was a full sun plant.  Uh, whoops.

Then I looked at another plant's info and discovered that we were at the end of its blooming period.  Nice.

Over the next few days the blooms dried and died on everything but the marigolds.  Then today Eliza came in with some flowers.  She had picked some marigolds for me.  What a gem.

Now our amazing flower garden is a sad, sad sight.  But it pretty much rocks as a decoration for Halloween.  Bring on October!

Superheroes

Is there anyone in peril or distress?  Because we've got some superheroes hanging out at our place.

It must run in the family, because this was me and my brothers when we were kids:

"Holy Happenstance, Batman!"

I Love 'Liza

Eliza wanted to dress up as Lucy Ricardo again.  (That's like totally normal for a three-year-old, right?)  I took so many pictures that I got a gamut of the good, the bad and the ugly.  Here they are...

The Good

The Bad

The Ugly

Hide and Seek

Elizabeth is at that fun stage where she likes to play hide and seek but has no idea how to do it.

For example, she'll put a cushion over her face and shout, "Mom, where are me?!"  with enough confidence that I know she believes herself to be cleverly hidden.

Or she'll tuck her head under our quilt...

And when she says, "Mom, come find me!!"

And I say, "Okay.  Where could you be?"

She makes it even easier for me by coming out and shouting, "I'm right here!!"

It's even better when she tells you beforehand where she's going to be.

 "Okay!  I'm going to hide in Andrew's bed!"

Rex: "Don't tell me where you're going to hide."

Eliza: "But I'm hiding in Andrew's bed."

Rex: "Well don't tell me that."

Eliza:  "Okay, I'll just go there then."

And she did and Rex knew right where to find her.  I guess she doesn't like the waiting around part of hide-and-seek.  Instead of hide-and-seek I guess it's more like tell-and-find.


This level of hide-and-seek is my kind of challenge.

Eliza's Beauty Routine Advice

After washing your face at night...

...go ahead and lift your foot into the sink to get it clean too.  (A little yoga practice might be necessary before attempting this feat.  Ha, ha, hey, it's a "feet feat".  Hee hee.)

Get your beauty rest

In the morning, put on your make up.  Here are some tips:

Once you have chosen the right color,

Then dig the applicator into the left eye, and then into the right.  Make sure to push hard enough to bruise the eyeball.  (Sometimes beauty hurts.)

And enjoy your beautiful blackened eyes!

Always dress in your finest clothes.  (Sometimes all of them at once).

Eat Right

Get plenty of exercise.
And make sure you wear the proper clothing for the most efficient workout.

When tanning, make sure no part of your skin actually sees the sun.

And, finally, keep ahead of your toe jam.  

If it gets too severe, remember there are tools to help you--like pliers for example.