February 22, 2013

This Week's Misadventures

In the middle of our church meeting, Eliza "innocently" played with a elderly lady's purse, then suddenly snatched it up, threw it over her arm and started walking up the aisle toward the door.  I was a little bit mortified.  Especially when she walked by a family with six tiny kids under perfect control, with not one of them stealing from an old lady.  Not even one.
We finally wrenched the purse out of Eliza's death grip which interrupted the meeting with her ensuing wails of protest.  I quickly sent her tired self home with a teenager so they could both take a nap, and I enjoyed the rest of the meeting in peace (only glancing a few times in embarrassment at the lady who had hidden her purse out of sight as soon as she got it back).

Alicia was visiting from college and forced herself to eat a lemon "to build character."  Her comment was that since going to college she hasn't had as many character-building opportunities as she used to get at home.

Rachel was randomly quoting Shakespeare.  Alicia wanted to know why she liked quoting Shakespeare but didn't like for Alicia to play classical music when they are both cultural experiences.  Megan chimed in saying that Shakespeare quotes are "only like two seconds long and no one understands them anyway, but classical music goes on forever and is played while we are all trapped in the car."

And then there's the toilet paper situation.  As Mormons we should really be more prepared than this, but we suddenly ran completely out.  I found an old roll in the car and it served as our one and only source for our family of seven until we could get to the store the next day.

I brought black bean soup to a fancy baby shower.  For a side, I brought a cilantro garnish which I painstakingly chopped and displayed in a crystal bowl.  I later found out my "cilantro" garnish was actually old, tasteless parsley.  Whoops.  I really need to study up on my leafy garnishes.

This morning I thought I was getting up at 7:15, but I got the hands on the clock mixed up and I really got up at 3:35.  I sure got a lot done though!

Rex and I were shopping in Costco and we split up to get done faster so we could make it to the canyon before it closed.  He did his part beautifully, but I didn't.  On my way to the groceries I got sidetracked by the shiny, new phones and I suddenly found myself buying one.  My usual MO is to think and research purchases for years on end and never actually buy them, but I was spurred to action by a sale, assurances of an easy return, and by our upcoming trip to California where I know it will come in handy.  Rex finally came in to find me and I'm pretty sure he was super excited when I said, "Look, Honey!  I just bought a smart phone!!"

Turns out that getting technology beyond my capabilities has it's embarrassing moments.  For one thing, I asked the guy there if I should change my mind from what I picked out.  I said that maybe I should get one of those Android thingies, or one of those iphones?  He looked at me for a minute and said, "This is an Android."  Ohhhh, okay.  Then, using my question as a gauge for my technical acuity he pointed out that there are two buttons on the left side of the phone and, speaking extra slowly for my benefit, he explained, "These are the volume controls.  You push the top button to turn it up, and the bottom button to turn it down."

Later I was thinking about how it was a little overkill to explain to me how to use the volume controls, when my phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to answer it, no matter how many times I stabbed at it.  Fortunately, my 13-year-old was walking by and reminded me to swipe it.  Oh, riiiight.

After she left I tried to text someone and realized I somehow accidentally programmed the text feature to write in Italian.  No matter how hard I tried to spell things right, the words just kept showing up all foreign.  I tried to type something like, "How's it going?"  and it came out "Che un idiota!"  (Okay, it didn't really say that, but it would have been fitting if it had.)

I was calling a doctor's office and when they picked up the phone, Megan (who was sitting right next to me) said, "Andrew!  Find your booger and get it off me!!!"  Niiiice.

And then the real zinger:  Eliza dug some poop out of her diaper, looked at the brown goop on her fingers, and (either due to extreme hunger, poor judgment, or weird curiosity) decided to stick it in her mouth and lick her fingers!!  She miraculously didn't get the least bit sick from this, though she made the rest of us feel pretty queasy.


  1. Eek! I can't comment on every one -- they're all good (bad?)!! First off, obviously, our kids are not perfect. We thought we were going to die about an hour in, and went home and spanked every one twice. Ok, we didn't spank anyone, but we were shell-shocked by the time it was over. Also, Ruby ate poop. More than once. And I pretty much love everything every one else said/did!

  2. If you carefully watch that family with the six (6!?) kids you may catch a glimpse of the thin marionette strings. You may also notice if one if them starts acting up, they will often begin hitting themselves in the face. However both require careful observation, best done when you have no kids or distractions if your own :)

  3. ahhhhhh!! so many terrible, funny, embarrassing, awesome, disgusting, cute moments!!! how did you do that all in a week!!? Oh, I loved every single one. The poop one was a great shocker to go last. That totally happened with Maryanne and when I started to tell someone I couldn't even do it. I switched the story to that the poo just got all over the room and didn't mention that it got in her mouth. I love the Alicia lemon eating one too. Yeah, sounds like she got plenty of character building moments at home. :) You are funny cause you really are the one with the perfect kids. Only someone with perfect kids could be so good at finding and pointing out all the mishaps that happen. The rest of us have to cover up all the mishaps and so we can believe our kids have a chance. Also, happy smartphone! The only thing more shocking in this post than eating poo is your impromptu purchase of a smart phone! :) Send me some Italian messages - I would love it.

  4. oh wow. wow. tell me all those awesome things didn't happen in just one week?! i like your little purse snatcher. i always laugh when people tell me my kids are well behaved in church (once a year or so). i tell them to check my kids' legs for the pinch bruises i gave them. i can't believe you got up at 3:35! didn't the horrible pain in your head tell you something was amiss? so glad you recorded all these terribly wonderful horrible things!

  5. Jenny, I'm always so embarrassed to share the gross things that Brooke does. I'm glad to know that she's not the only one eating poo. Thanks for the laughs. Oh, and someday when I get a smart phone you'll be able to teach me how to use it.