December 22, 2008

Two Sizes Too Small

I'm feeling all Grinch-like and Scroogy this Christmas. I wouldn't be surprised to discover my heart really was two sizes too small (which would also explain why I have such a hard time doing exercise). I told my husband last night that he can wish me a Merry Christmas only when Christmas is over!! (I wouldn't be surprised to have a dream about three ghosts who jingle their creepy chains to frighten me into feeling holiday cheer.)

Here are some of my own definitions for holiday terms:


A month-long, socially-acceptable mess which the kids get out and I have to clean up.

Holiday Treats
Mood-altering drugs for kids; diet-slaughtering temptations for adults.

Christmas Eve
A late night of slave labor, the result of which will be ripped to shreds in just a few hours.

Christmas Morning
A chipper onslaught to my fatigue

An experience which has to be repeated no matter how dumb it is.

Christmas Card
A fancy, expensive way to boast

For those of you who are now worrying about my poor children and wondering how they will survive in such a hostile environment, I have this to say to you: I don't blame you.

Just kidding. Everything's going to be fine.
We'll just let Santa take care of everything this year.


  1. you just said what everyone wants to say but is just too scared. a true belligerent blogging post. i loved reading that because i spent all day throwing up and shun all holiday cheeriness right now.

  2. I had to read this to my mom, we had a good laugh thanks to you! We especially love your definition of Tradition! I'm so glad I'm your friend and I know what a wonderful mom you really are, otherwise I would have to call DCFS or something.