December 22, 2008

Two Sizes Too Small


I'm feeling all Grinch-like and Scroogy this Christmas. I wouldn't be surprised to discover my heart really was two sizes too small (which would also explain why I have such a hard time doing exercise). I told my husband last night that he can wish me a Merry Christmas only when Christmas is over!! (I wouldn't be surprised to have a dream about three ghosts who jingle their creepy chains to frighten me into feeling holiday cheer.)

Here are some of my own definitions for holiday terms:

Decorations

A month-long, socially-acceptable mess which the kids get out and I have to clean up.

Holiday Treats
Mood-altering drugs for kids; diet-slaughtering temptations for adults.

Christmas Eve
A late night of slave labor, the result of which will be ripped to shreds in just a few hours.

Christmas Morning
A chipper onslaught to my fatigue

Tradition
An experience which has to be repeated no matter how dumb it is.

Christmas Card
A fancy, expensive way to boast

For those of you who are now worrying about my poor children and wondering how they will survive in such a hostile environment, I have this to say to you: I don't blame you.

Just kidding. Everything's going to be fine.
We'll just let Santa take care of everything this year.

2 comments:

  1. you just said what everyone wants to say but is just too scared. a true belligerent blogging post. i loved reading that because i spent all day throwing up and shun all holiday cheeriness right now.

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  2. I had to read this to my mom, we had a good laugh thanks to you! We especially love your definition of Tradition! I'm so glad I'm your friend and I know what a wonderful mom you really are, otherwise I would have to call DCFS or something.

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